Dear D – if I could tell him the truth

D,

I’m so annoyed at you. I was doing so well after having that week of getting space from you, and now you’ve gone and fucked me over all over again. Why, when I was having such a great time meeting new people, having a bit of a fling with a cute guy, actually finally making some progress in getting over you for real, did you suddenly have to decide we needed to have a drunken talk about us?

You asked me so many things that I couldn’t explain when I was drunk. You never see me upset NOT because I’m too scared to feel anything but because YOU’RE the one who makes me upset and I don’t want to let you see that. I’ve never been more into someone than they’re been into me and that means that from the moment I realised I really liked you I gave you all the power over me. So I can’t let you see the cracks in my façade, can’t let you see that I’m hurting so so much, can’t let you see just how much I do love you. And recently I’ve just been so numb because it’s so so much better than feeling EVERYTHING at once because that is just so heart-wrenching and painful I just can’t deal with it. So I’m sorry that you’ve had to get your information from other people because sometimes I just needed a rant or a cry and unfortunately for both of us my friends are your friends too. It’s not like you ever ask me either!

I can’t really explain why I got so mad the other week when I was sitting on your bed and realised that the cupcakes you hid when I got there were Ginge Slutbag’s, and that meant that you had seen her at least once in the previous few days and lied to me about it. I do know that I’ve never felt more used, dirty and whorish than I did when I realised that the bloodstains on the sheets meant that you hadn’t even bothered to change them between the last time you fucked me, fucking her, and intending to fuck me again. Obviously you have such little respect for me if you can’t even change the sheets for me! And fuck that hurts so bad when I care about you so much! Especially because you had been so distant recently, the sex had been average, you seemed so distracted. That’s probably why I went off my nut at you, I suddenly realised I had fallen for you again and there was nothing there for you, I wasn’t even your second option if you prioritised seeing Ginge Slutbag over me. Which all went haywire again the other night with your drunken talk, goddamnit.

I do understand that you’re scared of starting anything with me because you’ve been cheated on in the past and I haven’t proven myself particularly trustworthy in that area. But c’mon, do you not think I’ve learnt ANYTHING from this past year? Do you actually think that I would ever EVER want to get myself into that situation ever again? I don’t see you as the bad guy for being wary, I see you as the bad guy for doing exactly what you did the other night, get all deep and come onto me and then the next day pretend nothing happened and fuck me over all over again. I am worth so much more than being someone’s second or third choice and I don’t want to be with someone who doesn’t want to take a chance on me anyway. We’ve never had the chance to see how we could be when it’s just us, not me with someone else or you sleeping with someone else, not hiding from everyone because we have to be a secret, so no wonder it’s been such an emotional clusterfuck. You’ve seen me at my worst, unfortunately for you, and for you to still say I was the best girlfriend you had even if it was the shittiest situation, what does that tell you.

And for you to say that you can’t trust me when you’ve proven yourself even LESS trustworthy? How many little white lies have you told me to keep me happy and in your bed D? I don’t think I could ever trust you to be faithful to me either. You told me that Ginge Slutbag was your back-up for me – what’s to say you wouldn’t feel you needed a back-up if we were actually together? Plus I know deep down that the second your stupid Bitchface Ex wants you back (and she will, the moment she sees that you might be happy with someone else), you’ll drop me without a second thought and run back to her. Hell, even if we were just friends and you two actually got together, you wouldn’t see me just to keep her happy because you’ll do anything for her and not for me.

This is why I didn’t want you to sleep in my tent D, I didn’t want the temptation there, I didn’t want you to drag me down again just to emotionally abandon me. Damn you, I could deal with this being over  a couple of weeks ago when you had been detached and unfeeling but a night of cuddling and you murmuring into my ear about how amazing I am and how you’ve made so many mistakes has totally rolled me. Thank god I said no when you tried to have sex with me because no matter how much I wanted to and still do this would have been 100 times worse.

I don’t want a half assed friendship D, I need space. I’m not guna hang around waiting for you to sort your shit out and I’m not guna sit there pretending everything’s fine and wanting more. Not worth it. It’s not that I don’t want to be your friend if you won’t date me, it’s more that I think right now that’s just too much of a challenge for me. You say that you don’t want to hurt me because you want us to stay friends but you’ve already hurt me so much and I just need time and space to get past that.

I care about you. Fuck, I might even love you for real. And if what you said to me the other night was all true and wasn’t just you being drunk and wanting sex then we could actually have something. It would be such hard work, don’t get me wrong, we have the worst foundations for a relationship. But I actually do think it would be worth it, to take it slow, and actually see what we could be without all the other shit that was there before. You’re such an idiot. You’ve been trying for over a year to get your bitch ex back and yet she’s still with her boyfriend, still fucking you around. It makes me sick how she keeps you pining after her even though she has no intention of being with you. I hope next time you’re complaining about how you’re in a rut and how shit your life is you realise you actually could have been happy and you chose not to.

Good luck. I hope you understand that I just can’t see you for as long as it takes me to get over you. Until I can think of your arms around me and not cry. Maybe one day we can actually just be friends but since we’ve been sleeping together for most of the time that I’ve known you that’s very very far off.

– Miss A

I don’t know why I do this to myself

D and I have spent the last 4 nights together and it’s been bliss. We’ve even made plans to go to a movie this weekend which is interesting, he even swapped shifts at work to make it happen. He’s been constantly texting me from when he wakes up until I meet up with him – it’s been a long long time since that’s happened.

I hate hate HATE that I’m letting myself hope that there might be something there, we might actually end up giving us a try, when logically that would be such a toxic relationship for me to be in. I don’t want to get caught up in all D’s drama again, I can’t stand how much he lies to me and our friends and how paranoid and crazy I got because of that.

So why am I letting myself sink back into that awful emotional attachment that I had for him? Why am i spending every spare second thinking about him and wondering what he’s doing when I’m not with him?

Stupid being a girl. I really should stop sleeping with him now before I get myself in too deep again…but I know I won’t.

No more stalking for Miss A

Noooooo D’s facebook account got hacked tonight so he changed his password. Now I don’t have access to his account anymore either!!

It’s probably a good thing because I need to trust him as a friend that he’s telling me the truth instead of checking up on him and getting upset because he’s not. It’s so hard when the ex-husband and I had such an open book policy (well, until the affair…) – he knew all my passwords, we had nothing to hide from each other. Whereas D, as I found out the hard way, lied to me every step of the way and told different people very very different things about what was going on. Without reading through his messages I wouldn’t have found out that he was fucking the Ginge, or that he was trying to get his bitch ex back – which are both things that hurt so fricking much, but at least I wasn’t ignorantly falling even harder for him. .

I really really hate that I was doing that, spying on him essentially, I really wish I hadn’t been that crazy person. At least now I don’t get a choice, no more sneak peeks into his life, back to guessing,following my instincts and being forced to trust.

If I could have any super power it would totally be to read minds (or maybe teleport, that would be handy). I overanalyse everything in my own head so it would be so nice to know what everyone else is thinking, feeling, and not saying. Especially with D, who never seems to tell the truth but self preserves at every opportunity, and while I don’t know where our fucked up friendship is going. We had a deep and meaningful on facebook last night, he was talking about how 2012 has been a really shit year which I took a bit of offence to, since I was a huge chunk of that year. And he said

“uv saved me in many ways over the year and deffo made it much better then it would hav been if u hadnt been around.

so thanks heaps”

So that was nice to hear, even if he’s just trying to butter me up and keep me happy, since I really feel like I fucked his life up just as much as he did mine. Sigh.

Well that was an unstructured ramble and a half! Please tell me I’m not the only one who’s snooped through people’s messages for information, I’m feeling like such a terrible person for being so gutted my six-month-long access is over!

xx Miss A

The boy who fucked me over

I really really thought I was happy in my little life before D came along. I was living with someone who loved me so much he would do anything for me, planning a fairytale wedding and future perfect family. And then D had to thunder into my life and show me how amazing sex can be, introduce me to the drug that is passion, that weak at the knees stay in bed all day addiction that I know now that I can’t live without.

I don’t really know how I feel about D right now. I really really enjoy hanging out with him – it’s so easy, we have heaps in common since we studied the same course and can talk and talk and talk about nothing for hours. I’ve spent many a heavenly day rugged up naked in bed chatting and watching movies interspersed with sex. And the sex – ohmigawd, it’s so good. D’s the first person I’ve ever been able to lose myself completely with during sex, with everyone else I’m always inside my own head and I find it really really hard to orgasm. D’s a different story, I enjoy sex with him so much, I crave it constantly. I love being able to let loose and have fun and feel sexy and powerful instead of self-conscious and awkward!

But at the same time, he can be such a whiny baby, there’s always something for him to complain about! He’s broke, just failed a uni paper so won’t be graduating anytime soon, doesn’t have a job lined up except for a part-time retail thing. He’s totally still in love with his stupid bitch ex, even though he lies to me about it. He has absolutely zero respect for me and has done some really shitty things to me. He used to tell me all the time that he really liked me and wanted us to be together but really I think that he was just trying to keep me happy and in his bed, I’m sure he’s really just not that into me.

Since my separation and his return from overseas we’ve hooked up a few times. The first few were each separated by about two weeks and were usually the aftermath of a drunken argument, like the time I turned up to a house party he was at and he got angry or jealous or something because I was talking to one of his friends so literally dragged me out of the conversation by my arm and alternated viciously making out with me and yelling at me about how I’ve never done anything to make him think that I would like him and blah blah blah, and when I tried to leave the conversation and go home because I had had enough he dragged me back by my hair. God knows how that turned into sex but it did, and the next morning when after his drunken ramblings I was expecting him to say sure let’s give us a go, he said no, he had too much of his own shit going on and didn’t speak to me for a few weeks. Argh!

Things have calmed down a bit now though. We didn’t hook up for about a month, then we started hanging out again just the two of us, without sex, then had drinks together one night about three weeks ago and started sleeping together again. I’m not 100% sure how I feel about him as I drunkenly admitted the other night (must remember to make sure my data is turned off when drinking so I don’t drunk blog eek!). The main reason everything got so fucked up between us was because I was MARRIED, it was such a complicated situation, and then I fell so so hard for D when he admitted he was falling for me (whether that was a lie or not). As soon as feelings got involved everything turned to crap, we got angry and I got suspicious and jealous and pretty crazy, and he found a back-up girl who would, in his words, be there when I left him because eventually I would.

So now removed from that, with me being single and us having a LOT of fun together it would be interesting to see where things could go. After those few months though, of him running hot and cold and sleeping with me on the odd occasion and then not speaking to me for weeks, I think I’ve managed to rid myself of whatever awful emotional attachment I had to him – I’m hesitant to call it love since it was there was so much anger and complication. I feel like I can see his flaws and realise that IF HE WANTED TO BE WITH ME HE WOULD BE WITH ME, I’ve given him ample opportunity.

I was having a heart to heart with an old high school friend who’s buggered off overseas, who was being treated rather badly by her boyfriend and has a new life attitude that I’m hoping to adopt – Give A Fuck (GAF). Meaning, if they don’t give a fuck about me I sure as hell am not going to be giving a fuck about them. It’s not like I even WANT a boyfriend – I have so many plans for the next couple of years that would be way too complicated if I had to consider another person. And what is the point of pining after someone?? Why should I let other people make me feel like shit?? Anyone who deserves me wouldn’t fuck me around, wouldn’t leave me second guessing. I’m not going to settle for someone who only wants me if someone else doesn’t want him.

HOWEVER, although I know I should be cutting contact with D as much as possible so I don’t get attached again, I do really enjoy the sex and the hanging out. A girl’s got needs and there isn’t anyone else on the horizon as of yet!! I’m comfortable for the moment having D as a rendezvous, I get great sex on tap and decent conversation before and after. It has the potential to be win-win as long as my emotions don’t get the better of me. And it means I get to have super hot nights like Tuesday night (because yes, of course I took him home with me, who was I kidding?!) where he pulled me onto his lap so make out with me in the crowded bar where we were drinking with friends, chewing on my lip and whispering in my ear, and the two of us stumbled home for loud drunken sex (my poor flatmates) from which I woke up covered in bruises, bite marks and scratches, and spent the morning alternating lazy sex and watching stupid videos on youtube. Delicious.

So I THINK I’m okay with the situation as it stands right now. I’m not sure what’s going through D’s head, he was drunk-texting me a few weekends ago (god I sound like an alcoholic!) about how he was giving up on his bitch ex and moving on, and then when we were kissing in the bar on Tuesday he pulled away from me and said “fuck you confuse me”, I know he said more but I can’t remember darnit. Eek I shouldn’t be overanalysing this anyway, I’m not caring remember?

Even I can see that this is going to end badly. Sigh. I’m such a wreck.

xx Miss A

Okay I feel really bad…

cuz I was totally guna post today but I got all nostalgic and ended up spending a couple of hour reading through my texts from the last year and got really upset. So now Im really drunk to combat that. Yay and Ds literally right next to me and I can’t decide whether to take him home or not cuz I really thought I was over him but after my trip down memory lane I’m not sure. Siiiigh. Anyway proper post soon xx