I’m so annoyed at you. I was doing so well after having that week of getting space from you, and now you’ve gone and fucked me over all over again. Why, when I was having such a great time meeting new people, having a bit of a fling with a cute guy, actually finally making some progress in getting over you for real, did you suddenly have to decide we needed to have a drunken talk about us?
You asked me so many things that I couldn’t explain when I was drunk. You never see me upset NOT because I’m too scared to feel anything but because YOU’RE the one who makes me upset and I don’t want to let you see that. I’ve never been more into someone than they’re been into me and that means that from the moment I realised I really liked you I gave you all the power over me. So I can’t let you see the cracks in my façade, can’t let you see that I’m hurting so so much, can’t let you see just how much I do love you. And recently I’ve just been so numb because it’s so so much better than feeling EVERYTHING at once because that is just so heart-wrenching and painful I just can’t deal with it. So I’m sorry that you’ve had to get your information from other people because sometimes I just needed a rant or a cry and unfortunately for both of us my friends are your friends too. It’s not like you ever ask me either!
I can’t really explain why I got so mad the other week when I was sitting on your bed and realised that the cupcakes you hid when I got there were Ginge Slutbag’s, and that meant that you had seen her at least once in the previous few days and lied to me about it. I do know that I’ve never felt more used, dirty and whorish than I did when I realised that the bloodstains on the sheets meant that you hadn’t even bothered to change them between the last time you fucked me, fucking her, and intending to fuck me again. Obviously you have such little respect for me if you can’t even change the sheets for me! And fuck that hurts so bad when I care about you so much! Especially because you had been so distant recently, the sex had been average, you seemed so distracted. That’s probably why I went off my nut at you, I suddenly realised I had fallen for you again and there was nothing there for you, I wasn’t even your second option if you prioritised seeing Ginge Slutbag over me. Which all went haywire again the other night with your drunken talk, goddamnit.
I do understand that you’re scared of starting anything with me because you’ve been cheated on in the past and I haven’t proven myself particularly trustworthy in that area. But c’mon, do you not think I’ve learnt ANYTHING from this past year? Do you actually think that I would ever EVER want to get myself into that situation ever again? I don’t see you as the bad guy for being wary, I see you as the bad guy for doing exactly what you did the other night, get all deep and come onto me and then the next day pretend nothing happened and fuck me over all over again. I am worth so much more than being someone’s second or third choice and I don’t want to be with someone who doesn’t want to take a chance on me anyway. We’ve never had the chance to see how we could be when it’s just us, not me with someone else or you sleeping with someone else, not hiding from everyone because we have to be a secret, so no wonder it’s been such an emotional clusterfuck. You’ve seen me at my worst, unfortunately for you, and for you to still say I was the best girlfriend you had even if it was the shittiest situation, what does that tell you.
And for you to say that you can’t trust me when you’ve proven yourself even LESS trustworthy? How many little white lies have you told me to keep me happy and in your bed D? I don’t think I could ever trust you to be faithful to me either. You told me that Ginge Slutbag was your back-up for me – what’s to say you wouldn’t feel you needed a back-up if we were actually together? Plus I know deep down that the second your stupid Bitchface Ex wants you back (and she will, the moment she sees that you might be happy with someone else), you’ll drop me without a second thought and run back to her. Hell, even if we were just friends and you two actually got together, you wouldn’t see me just to keep her happy because you’ll do anything for her and not for me.
This is why I didn’t want you to sleep in my tent D, I didn’t want the temptation there, I didn’t want you to drag me down again just to emotionally abandon me. Damn you, I could deal with this being over a couple of weeks ago when you had been detached and unfeeling but a night of cuddling and you murmuring into my ear about how amazing I am and how you’ve made so many mistakes has totally rolled me. Thank god I said no when you tried to have sex with me because no matter how much I wanted to and still do this would have been 100 times worse.
I don’t want a half assed friendship D, I need space. I’m not guna hang around waiting for you to sort your shit out and I’m not guna sit there pretending everything’s fine and wanting more. Not worth it. It’s not that I don’t want to be your friend if you won’t date me, it’s more that I think right now that’s just too much of a challenge for me. You say that you don’t want to hurt me because you want us to stay friends but you’ve already hurt me so much and I just need time and space to get past that.
I care about you. Fuck, I might even love you for real. And if what you said to me the other night was all true and wasn’t just you being drunk and wanting sex then we could actually have something. It would be such hard work, don’t get me wrong, we have the worst foundations for a relationship. But I actually do think it would be worth it, to take it slow, and actually see what we could be without all the other shit that was there before. You’re such an idiot. You’ve been trying for over a year to get your bitch ex back and yet she’s still with her boyfriend, still fucking you around. It makes me sick how she keeps you pining after her even though she has no intention of being with you. I hope next time you’re complaining about how you’re in a rut and how shit your life is you realise you actually could have been happy and you chose not to.
Good luck. I hope you understand that I just can’t see you for as long as it takes me to get over you. Until I can think of your arms around me and not cry. Maybe one day we can actually just be friends but since we’ve been sleeping together for most of the time that I’ve known you that’s very very far off.
– Miss A