Hi internet! How’s it going?
I’ve finally made the decision to start a blog. I’m going to keep it totally anonymous too I think, since my life seems to be a series of bad decisions and fuck ups. I want to be able to write with no holds barred, total honesty without caring who reads it or what they think of me. Pretty much I just want to be able to rant and rave excessively so buckle in and hold on tight!
I feel like I need to give whoever reads this some context, because my life is COMPLICATED. I seem to be one of those people that feeds on drama, I really need to work on that. So, me. I’m 22, originally from a tiny farming town and have been living in a city life for the last 4 years while I study. I’m in the middle of a divorce (boom! bombshell!) after getting married in January and having an affair for the entirety of my marriage. So I’m embarking on a whole new unexpected part of my life as a single girl in a big city, trying to sort my clusterfuck of a life out and work out what I want to do and who I am. I haven’t been single for longer than a month since I was 14 so this is totally exciting and terrifying at the same time.
So, my marriage and it’s breakdown. I know that most people who read this will judge me straight away for having an affair and that’s okay, even now I would do the same thing. I’m definitely not proud of what I did but I have absolutely no regrets. My ex-husband, M, was a genuinely nice guy from my wee hometown. We got together when I was 17, just before I left for uni, and before I had moved out of home. We had an amazing 4 years together, he proposed after two years and I was absolutely ecstatic, getting caught up in the sparkle of wedding planning without really thinking about the consequences. Now M is like the sweetest guy I’ll probably ever meet, he would have made the most amazing husband if I had let him. Unfortunately though, we had absolutely zero chemistry. We had sex like once a month if I was lucky, I remember going for three months without getting any at one point. I really don’t know what it was – M just didn’t seem fussed on sex, it didn’t seem to cross his mind or be a priority for him. Moving in together very early on in the relationship probably didn’t help. It was the only thing we ever fought about, I hated feeling unsexy and undesirable. It went both ways too I guess, he never drove me wild with desire. I thought I loved him enough that I would be okay to sacrifice passion but then the temptation of D came along and showed me how amazing sex can be and what it’s actually like to want someone so bad you’re wet at the thought. Even now, god!
D was a uni friend, just a friend. He came to my hens night and kissed me when we were both very drunk during a game of chicken that went a bit far. The rest of the night he tried to convince me to go home with him and to be honest it was only the logistics that prevented me from doing so. The next day he apologised profusely over text, blaming the alcohol, but I was like…it’s not like I haven’t thought about it. One thing led to another and one night I went to his place and we slept together, about three weeks before my wedding. I thought I was just having cold feet, one last fling before the wedding. A couple of weeks later we hooked up again while M was out of town, desecrating most of the surfaces in our house. I never intended it to happen again, and even though I spent the whole week before the wedding crying I went through with the wedding. Turns out, I got ridiculously drunk at a games night with our friends and blacked out most of the night, coming to in the middle of sex with D. Oopsy… So really, once I had cheated on my husband, I figured it wouldn’t make much of a difference if I did it again…and again…
I felt empowered to be using someone for sex, because that’s all it was, damn good sex. He told me it was just sex for him as well, he was trying to get over an ex-gf (let’s call her the bitch). Of course, being a bloody woman who can’t separate sex and emotion, that didn’t last very long. And when I fell, I fell HARD. I first realised that I had developed feelings for D when he left his facebook logged in on my laptop and I did the horrible horrible thing of peeking at his messages. Turns out he was fucking some other girl too, this ginge chick who came to one of our games nights with a mutual friend. I cried the whole night, ended up venting to a mutual friend, and asked D the next time I saw him whether he was sleeping with anyone else, which of course he denied. It was pretty hypocritical of me to get pissed off about it, although by that point M and I weren’t sleeping together at all (not that he noticed). I finally drunkenly confronted D about Ginge a few weeks later, and we had a loud drunken fight in which he yelled at me repeatedly “I LIKE you, but I’m not allowed to!”. In a later soberer conversation he explained to me that Ginge was like a back-up for him, since he expected that sooner or later I would get the guilts about cheating on my husband and stop seeing him. No excuse, but fair enough I spose. It just made me feel sick every time I thought about her and him together, in the same bed, I’m pretty sure even in the same day. Gross.
Fast foward a few more months and D the dick is probably still fucking Ginge while telling me constantly that he really likes me (even said I love you once, although that was more in drunken anger). I was spending every night at D’s place, having mind-blowing sex and unfortunately getting my mind fucked over at the same time. We were acting like we were dating, going out for dinner, spending all our time together, constantly in contact. Poor M was by himself most nights but I was too consumed in D to care. Then all of a sudden D’s bitch ex finds out about me and comes barreling back into his life, not because she wants him back but just because she doesn’t want him to be happy with anyone else (bitch). Turns out all the while he was telling me that he really liked me and wanted us to be together, he was trying to get back with her, and so broke it off with me the second she showed the slightest interest. Dick. Simultaneously, M found out that I had been cheating on him and told me to leave. Which I was surprisingly happy to do – obviously the relationship had been over for me for a very long time.
So all of a sudden, I’m a single woman for pretty much the first time in my life, learning to stand on my own two feet instead of being looked after. D the dick is still my fuck buddy every so often (best sex of my LIFEEEE damnit!). My poor family seems to be recovering from the epic disaster that was my marriage, none of my friends were all that surprised (funny how no one told me this BEFORE the wedding!). I’m flatting for the first time ever which is fun, only a few months away from finishing studying and getting a real job, and starting to make plans to travel. So that’s kinda this year in a nutshell, I’m sure I’ll elaborate on bits of it later on. Til next time!
xx Miss A
My Life Refreshed 